Self-Compassion Is All You Need
By: Maria Jones, PhD
I should stop being so negative
I should do better
I need to stop worrying
These are thoughts frequently discussed in therapy. Most think that if too much worry is a concern, then the logical solution is to tell yourself to stop. If being down and self-defeating is an issue, then we obviously need to do better – to be better. However, these popular thoughts and self-suggested solutions are counterproductive. Instead of being better, the challenge is simply to be.
The commonality between the thoughts listed above is that they characterize things that we should or ought to do. This is a type of negative self-talk that can cause feelings of doubt and worry in a person. These types of statements often make you feel guilty about something you have or haven’t done and as a result, they can make you feel as if you have failed. Negative self-talk is not evidence that something is “wrong” with us but rather is an indicator of being multifaceted human with feelings and flaws. Our negative self-talk can fuel a physiological fight-or-flight response as if we were facing a tiger, however the only threat we are faced with is ourselves and our thoughts. Moreover, the more we tell ourselves not to do something (like, don’t think about pink elephants) - the more we do it; and as a result, we may judge ourselves harshly for it. Self-compassion combats self-criticism and allows us to engage with our feelings – pain, discomfort, worry and all.
Self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff, PhD, defined self-compassion as being “kind to oneself when confronting personal inadequacies or situational difficulties, framing the imperfection of life in terms of common humanity, and being mindful of negative emotions so that one neither suppresses nor ruminates on them.” Breaking away from habitual should statements and self-criticism and focusing on self-compassion can be difficult. The first step is to observe and gain insight into your thoughts. Notice the thoughts that pop into your head; you may realize that self-critical statements occur more often than you imagined — and that is okay. It can also be helpful to write down the thoughts to separate yourself from them; you are not your thoughts after all. Afterwards, name the feeling that you had when you had the specific thought and think about the circumstances that led you to that feeling. You grow in self-compassion when instead of rejecting the feeling, you accept it and your needs without judgement. Just as the pink elephant, the more you push the feeling and the thought away, the stronger it takes hold. Allow for the feeling to happen. Then, reframe or reword the thought so that you can swap out the “should” thought with something that is more helpful and realistic.
I should stop being so negative can then become: I am feeling worried about not doing something well and that is okay. I will focus on just a small portion of this.
I should do better turns into: I am feeling overwhelmed by all the things I need to do and that is okay. I can break this down into smaller steps.
I need to stop worrying is then: I am feeling scared about something new and that is okay. I can try a little bit at a time.
Breaking habits is difficult, but it is important to remember that we are humans who feel and respond to their environment and circumstances. The more we acknowledge and accept our feelings and thoughts, the more power we have over them and the better we feel about ourselves. Dr. Neff writes, “The more you open your heart to this reality [of frustrations, losses, mistakes, and limitations] instead of constantly fighting against it, the more you will be able to feel compassion for yourself.”